Trying to be a trooper...

This is going to be a venting post, because I don't know what else to do! If you don't want to read it, don't! I won't be offended.

So I love to run. I ran alot before November 2010. I ran one marathon and was training for more. I ran the Broad Street Run every year, and running made me happy. It relived my stress, kept me fit, gave me a release when I was having a tough day, and it was something for me to do for me, by myself. Then I was told by a doctor that I shouldn't ever run again. My right foot was fractured from overuse, I had a large heel spur, and terrible arthritis. My feet looked like they belonged to an aged person on X-ray, not a 30 year old young person. If I didn't stop, I would risk permanent damage and disability sooner than later.

Scared the shit out of me so I stopped running. It was hard. It sucked. And it still sucks. I see people out running and I call them nasty names in my head. I hear about peoples' personal bests and I want to punch them...really, I do. I am so mad that I can't run. I was good at it, even though it took me a long time to get good, I was good at distance and enjoyed what it did for me. So I stop running and turn to the bike.

I bought a bike last summer to give me more cross training options, and to give me a way to get to and from work without having to drive all the time. I like the bike, I'm decent at it, I have strong legs and good stamina so it wasn't bad. I signed up for a 50 mile ride, had plans for longer rides, and then I got hit by a car riding my bike to work. I am fine, my bike is relatively fine (needs some work that will happen next week hopefully), but my spirit was a bit crushed. It was a "hit and run", it was scary, thank God I wear a helmet, and I was banged up for a week...only recently did I stop getting dizzy every day from the concussion.

I also recently (February) joined the same gym that Charlie gets his martial arts training from. I planned to learn the art of Muay Thai, while also doing kettle bell classes. This was new for me as I had NEVER done a group class before and didn't know how I would like the dynamic. It took a few weeks before I really liked it and felt confident that I would continue to improve, and the past few weeks have been amazing (aside from the week I was off after being hit by the car). I am getting stronger, have good form and am learning and remembering the moves.

Tuesday afternoon, I went to a class and felt great. At the very end of the class I was throwing a kick and my left knee (which was stationary) hyper-extended, I felt a pop, and fell to the ground. It was the creepiest sensation I've ever had and it was impossible for me to put any weight on it. I didn't have any real pain, just total instability of the leg. I wrapped my leg and hobbled home, pissed off that, once again, I was injured. I hoped it would be brief and I'd be back in class next week. Now as I am typing this, I'm not so sure. Wednesday was a rough day. The knee hurts, it is totally unstable, and my range of motion is less and less. I fear that it's a real injury and that I'm going to be off my feet for a while.

Of course it'll take forever to find out. Insurance makes you gets x-rays first before you can even make an appointment with an orthopedist. I don't want to waste that time. I don't want to sit around for two weeks waiting for the insurance to tell me I can have a test or not. I am just so damn mad that I am hurt again!

I'm not reckless. I'm not foolish. I take good care of myself. Why can't I just do what I want to do and not have injury after injury plague me? I hate being slowed down at home and work, I hate not being able to exercise and get that release that I need. I just hate it all. It really pisses me off! I was so angry today and so frustrated by my pain and discomfort. I tried really hard to focus on the good things, two adorable kids, beautiful home, supportive husband, wonderful family, blah blah blah. I just want to freakin' work out and not have my body fall apart! I've had so many damn injuries in my life it's ridiculous. My body couldn't even do pregnancy without lots of drama.

I know that things could be worse and I should just be grateful for what I have and that I'm alive, but here's where the warning at the beginning of the post comes in...I don't want to hear about that. Anyone who has some idea how to come to peace with all of this, I am all ears. I need to just be ok and deal and cope with this but right now, I'm just mad!

Sorry to be so whiny but I needed to get this out there, off my chest, and into someone else's ears!